No cover for safety reasons…

Title: High School Musical

Director: Who the f**k cares? He’s an ashole anyway!

Made: 2005 in USA (Holywood of course where else would they let such a disaster get produced?

Final verdict: -1000000/5

So… You might ask yourself why did you watch this movie in the first place? Where should I begin? Yeah… It was on this extremely stiff birthday party. My cousin got this movie. I watched it out of curiosity and now I’m scarred for life!

So whats the story you might ask. I dunno! It’s just crap so I didn’t pay attention to it. I guess it’s some crap about a guy in High school who looks like he’s 20 who’s tired of singing, dancing and being an all around homosexual and wants to play basketball instead. Well… If you’ve seen anything from the movie he seems to combine his all around gay skills with the basketball. Meh…

Where have the old Disney and it’s always moral-in-mind movies? Now it’s just some plastic holywood stuff about how much makeup and plastic surgery makes you popular and makes you sing like someone who never will go through puberty. It’s hilarious and disturbing at the same time. Is this what we want to teach children? If you’re not a singing supermodel you’re nothing? I guess that’s not the best message Disney! Remember when Disney always had some kind of moral message in their movies? Even though it was some kind of cliché message like “together we’re strong” it still was a message worth telling. Now we got these 20 year old 16 year olds who sings about basketball and make it look like everyone is always wearing full makeup. It’s bullshit! The real High School is much more like the cliché painted up by other movies like “Can’t buy me love” and most other 80’s and 90’s youth movies. There’s different tables for different so called popularity classes. The nerds at one, the ugly at one and the list goes on…

High School musical belongs in a dust bin and should have been in one from the beginning. Though Disney have become such self centered greedy bastards so they made this movie to enchant children minds all over the world to make parents buy the dvd and take them to the movies. The ones who see this movie sometimes aren’t older than ten and could they look at the movie and see how shallow it is? No, they will think it’s how the real world works and think High school is a place where everyone loves each other and the only thing they ever argue about is who’s going to play the main part in the school musical. Life is a lot more complicated than that. See the bigger picture!

So this piece of shit gets -1000000/5

Title: Electroma

Director: Daft punk

Made: 2006 in France?

Final verdict: 2/5

So… what do you get when you mix the best electronic band in the world (my opinion) and a full length movie? The most boring yet satisfying experience ever!

Daft punk never got satisfied with just making music. They wanted to make movies also. The first Daft Punk movie was D.A.F.T. (A Story About Dogs, Androids, Firemen and Tomatoes). It was basically a movie set to songs from the bands first album with a small story revolving around a talking dog. The second movie was Interstella 5555 (The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem). This one is the best (by far) of their movies. It’s an animé story about some aliens who gets brainwashed and transformed into humans. The whole story evolves without any dialog and still it’s very clear what happens. Then of course it’s the music… the whole movie is set to the tunes from discovery which features the best songs by Daft Punk (Digital love (my favorite), Harder better faster stronger, Aerodynamic and One more time). So Interstella 5555 is awesome!

Well… That’s not the case of Electroma. The whole movie revolves around the two robot heroes “Hero robot nr1″ and “Hero robot nr2″. Seriously! They couldn’t come up with better names? According to the end credits the robots names are “Hero robot 1 and 2″. Think it’s bad? Just wait… The plot of the movie… *drum roll for dramatic effect* is two robots walking in the desert listening to Daft Punk music. Like WTF is that for a story? Ok fanboys I give you that, the story is somewhat described but if you just watch the movie from end to start you wont understand Jack shit! You must go deeper and look into the details… But because I’m a lazy son of a b**** I’m not going to. The only satisfying thing with the movie is the music. Though… If you want to listen to the music you do that… You don’t want to watch some freaking robots walk in the desert for an hour while you do it! So my tip is to buy the cd (It’s that awesome) and listen to it instead!

I give it 2/5 and that’s just because of the music.

Title: Mars attacks!

Director: Tim Burton

Made: 1996 in USA

Final verdict: 3.5/5

Tim Burton. You’re so great. This movie is also great. But that’s about it. Not fantastic, not perfect, it’s just great. This movie scared me a lot when I was around seven years old. The Martians just look so scary and vile. Well, they are extremely evil. This isn’t Tims best film (got to be the first Batman or Nightmare before Christmas) but it’s a good experience and you can’t keep yourself from smiling a little bit.

The United states (Why always them?) has gotten a message from outer space and it’s from some Martians who wants to land on planet earth. Of course we welcome them with open arms and let them land in the desert. The Martians say they come in peace and some stupid hippie release a dove to symbolize peace. The Martian ambassador shots the dove down and all hell breaks loose. After a couple of second the whole welcoming party are green smoking skeletons (yes, green) laying on the ground. It unveils the Martians real intensions, they want to “destroy all humans” (hope THQ aint’ sue). After that a lot of stuff happen, yada yada yada yada. The end.

I don’t want to spoil this movie because it has a lot of funny stuff. Like brains blowing up, the white house blowing up, aliens blowing up, dogs blowing up, giant robots blowing up, casinos blowing up and thats about all the stuff that blow up in the movie. It has a lot of action and I had a hard time trying to sleep while watching it.

The movie is filled with computer generated junk and that’s the worst thing about it. The technique was to young and is used way to much. Practically everything is done the digital way. It’s still watchable but you just think “Couldn’t they just have used puppets”? Well I shouldn’t go on about this.

The movie is like I already have stated “great” but it has it’s flaws. I give it 3.5/5. The 0.5 points are for the really scary Martians and the 3 points are for the movie as a whole. The 1.5 points of is for the to much used computer generated stuff.

Title: Blair witch project

Directors: Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez

Made: According to the cover it’s a movie that was made 1994 by some students that disappeared and their video was found 5 years later or whatever. That’s just a bunch of bull shit. The movie was made 1999 for the mere purpose of entertainment.

Final verdict: 3/5

I’ve heard so much about this movie. All my friends have said “Oh, I’ve never been this scared” or “I was panic stricken through the whole movie”. I never dared to watch the movie until a week ago. I said “what the hey” and borrowed the dvd from a friend. It was around dusk and I put the disc in the dvd player and I was afraid about what the outcome would be. Maybe something along the lines “Seven days”. Nah, when the movie starts it’s just like a documentary with shaky camera and bad sound.

A couple of students walk around asking locals about the Blair witch myth. Later they decide to take a look for them selves if the myth really is true. So they take their stuff and walk out to the forest. There they place their tents and they have a small campsite. Later they discovers small piles of rock around the tents that perfectly resembles a triangle. That’s kinda weird and scary. They see a lot of strange stuff on the way but they don’t react like they want to get away until they see the small “dolls” that hang in the trees. I would have freaked out right after the piles of rock. When they try to get away the just walk in circles and they can’t get out of the forest. So now they’re forced to stay another night in the forest (predictable) and of course they find a small cabin in the middle of the night (lame). Just like normal and sane people would have done they walk right in and spread out (stupid) and this just happens to be the only time I’m really scared. I don’t know why but this in particular scene just scared the shit out of me. There’s even a part where you can (if you look closely) see a face in the background. This was later proven to not be a face but a branch.

I’m not going to tell you how it ends. Because I guess you can tell by the facts I just gave you. The movie has a certain tone to it that makes it scary in a way. But in the long run it’s just so damn boring to watch. They just say the same things over and over. “That’s weird” and “Let’s get the hell out of here”. The ending is the high point of the movie and after watching the effective ending you’re going to have nightmares for the rest of your pitiful life.

i give the movie 3/5 and all of the points are to the ending. Skip the rest of the movie.

Title: Funny games

Director: Michael Haneke

Made: 1997 in Germany

Final verdict: 4/5

When you hear the name Funny games you might think “Oh, this must be a really funny movie because it says so”. It’s actually the complete opposite.

A family are going to their house on the country side for the holiday. They have just settled down and filled the fridge when a neighbor (or at least he says he is) comes to the house. He asks for some eggs and they give him just that. Later he drop the eggs by “accident” and asks for some more. The family kindly give him four more eggs and tells him not to drop them and then just leave. On the way out he also “accidentally” drops the phone into the kitchen sink. The mother gets really angry and tell him to just get away before something else happens. Later on he gets attacked by the family’s dog and drops the eggs once more. Now one of his friends join him and they both go back and ask for even more eggs. The “neighbors” friend sees the golf bag standing in the corner and asks if he can take a swing in the garden. Golf club he later use as a weapon to start the “funny” games. The games themselves are just excuses to torture and humiliate the family. What these boys intentions are is never known.

The intruders have something very unusual. A “magical” remote control (yes this was before that stupid Adam Sandler movie). With it they can rewind time and pause the events ongoing. They use the remote in the end to stop the happy ending for the family. The mother actually succeeds in killing one of the intruders but the other rewinds so he can save his friend.

The intruders also breaks the fourth wall many times. It’s part of telling the one who watch a bit about the message of the movie. The movie was made to question the movie violence in general and it does that by barely showing any violence at all. You only hear sounds of the ones getting killed. You can see the bodies afterwards but no graphical violence. The only thing they show is when the intruders friend gets shot.

The actors in the movie are brilliant. They are very believable. The director ( Michael Haneke) really gets what he want said with this disturbing movie. Everything from camera positions to light and sound is top notch. He also just spoils the whole “the good always wins” cliché. In reality the evil wins the majority of times.

I could already see the confused faces before I wrote this review. “1997 wasn’t that movie made this year and in USA?”. No! That is the half crappy remake of the movie. Micheal Haneke was disappointed that his movie never reached the American audience so he made a “remake”. This remake would be completely in English and be completely “plastic”. The light the mood, everything feels Hollywood and everybody knows todays Hollywood sucks arse. Even though this is the best I’ve seen in the Hollywood style in a long time it’s not as good as the original. As they say over at Corn Flakes, “original and the best”.

So as you just might have noticed I liked the movie. I’ve never seen anything like it. Therefore I give it 4/5. The one point of is for that crappy remake (Damn you Hollywood)!